Wedlocks and Chains
by Prustrian Informant
Summary: To save Ikebukuro from mass destruction, all options are explored. Of course, politicians have a habit of making the wrong choice... namely, an otaku's choice for a solution.
1. Kanra's Idea

"SOMETHING MUST BE DONE!" The politician slammed his hands down upon his desk and looked at his the people in his office. "What can we do? We have anarchy in our streets. It's at least every other day that those two are running about the streets! We have chaos on our hands! I need solutions!" The man leaned back in his seat and moaned, "I'll never be reelected if those two are chasing each other down, destroying this city."

"Sir, we are thinking about solutions as much and as fast as we can-"

"I'm going to die on the streets. No doubt from a vending machine. Can you imagine? My face plastered on the news, with the picture of a vending machine nearby. Marble pop sales will sky rocket from the advertisement, no doubt."

"Sir! Think rationally-"

"I have a solution!"

Everyone paused in the room as a hand went into the air, a figure moved forward and smiled, "moshi moshi, my name is Kanra. I have the solution of a lifetime. This solution will resolve the problem without a single difficulty."

"Woman," the politician wiped his eyes and stared at her, sniffling, "you're an angel. Truly~ What do we do?"

"What do you do with any pair of people who bicker over the stupidest things and defend the other without the other's knowing to no end?"

"…"

"…get them a reality show?"

"…send them to America?" A couple heads nodded at that.

"Oh yeah!"

"New York is always repairing things anyway."

"Then again we could send them to Korea."

"Or Russia. Remember the trouble with that island a while back. Oh! China would work-"

The woman cleared her throat angrily, "you marry 'em, gents. You force them to settle down in the old fashion church."

"But that's not legal here in Japan."

"It'll never work."

"Sending them to China-"

"Listen!" The woman sat down on the desk in the room and gathered attention once more. "We must stop thinking like government officials and start thinking like fangirls. True, they can't have the rights that most couples have, but why would they need them? The only thing they really need is their names stuck together. We can make it so that every citizen of this city can't mention one without mentioning the other. WE! WE GENTLEMEN, can make it so that those two not only have to live together, but they have to like it! WE HAVE THAT POWER! We, as a collective body, can make certain that those two fall and thus our fair city can never again fear for the sake of a single can of soda in any vending machine! We will never have to replace an uprooted stop sign again. PUPPIES WILL REMAIN A NONFLYING OBJECT!"

People clapped, others nodded. The politician nodded and stood up, "Kanra, you're a genius! Of course! TO CHINA WITH THEM!"

Everyone facepalmed, shaking their heads at the dolt's mistake.

Kanra grinned, "we're repealing the law against same-sex marriage for one day. OCTOBER 2nd!" She pointed at the calendar and smiled, "because it's this Saturday and this Friday I have to attend a convention with my gang."

The men nodded.

"What should we do to prepare?"

"We're going to need a city-wide hush hush planning. We need cake, we need a dress-"

"Dress?"

"Of course, the relationship is obviously Shizaya, not Izuo… although I think IzaIza could get away with topping when Shizu gets bored."

"…okay…"

"I want someone to get into contact with Shiki. He can get intel on the informant without a moment's questioning. As for Shizuo's measurements, Tom Tanaka can help with that, or Shizuo's brother Yuhei."

"Whoa, they're related?"

"Of course." Kanra nodded, "Anyway, we need a cake, we need a hall opened for the whole event, we need to have support of the city. WE NEED TO MOVE PEOPLE!" The men went running in all directions as phone calls were made.

"Kanra-san, are you sure about this?" the politician looked scared.

"Of course." She smiled at him, "these kinds of things are something that fans like me are experts on. I've been studying and supporting Shizaya for ages."

"I see…"

"Well then, when everything is complete. I want you to go to this address. Tell the man in the white lab coat named Shinra that if he helps us by making what is in this envelope, he will be able to have his motorcycling wife, and do make sure to say wife, ride as fast and as much as she wants without having to worry about police."

"But-"

"Do it." Kanra turned and walked out, skipping out the front door and into the van parked nearby, she pulled off her wig and pulled off the coat, smirking.

"Oh crap," Walker frowned, "should I be worried about you?"

"No~ I just realized how much fun it is to cosplay Fem! Izaya."

"Manipulative, evil, and feminine… interesting. I would suspect Fem! Izaya would be kind of like a Diva slash Evil Hungary of sorts… perhaps a fem! Prussia feel to her…" Walker tapped his chin in thought.

"Dang, I was thinking more of a Tyki Mikk. You know, has a dark side/light side to her."

"WILL YOU GUYS SHUT UP!" Kadota glared at them from his seat. "I'm trying to sleep before Tosuga comes back."

"What's he even doing?"

"I don't know. Something about hitting up lunch with an old acquaintance- Oh," Kadota blinked as the man of topic jumped into the car, "what's up?"

"We're leaving."

"What?"

"Why," Walker asked.

"My date turned out bad."

"Hmm?"

"GET BACK HERE YOU BASTARD!" Shizuo's voice could be heard as Tosuga started the car and took in it into overdrive.

"What the hell did you do?"

"The woman blamed her debt on me. Claimed I should pay it and offed herself," Tosuga bit his lip as a stop sign narrowly missed the van. "I really don't wanna talk about it."

"Dota-chin!" Erika cooed.

"Dota-chin!" Walker repeated for her benefit.

"SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU!" Kadota glared at them.

Erika merely smirked back, "Go console your boyfriend! He's all upset!"

"W-WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

Tosuga turned the corner and gave off an aura of hate, "When I pull over I'm dragging you out of my van and leaving you in a ditch Karisawa."

Oh shush, you were checking out Dota-chin's ass all last night."

The van turned awkward at that.

~.~

_**A/N: -is most likely insane – Reviews are welcome…**_


	2. Out Of Body Experience

It was fluffy and white. Izaya felt lighter than air as he went through the dream-like state he was in. He watched numbly as he was pulled from his bedroom and pushed into one of his kitchen chairs. He recognized Karisawa Erika squealing in delight. Not too much else though… The other women were new. He felt his chin lifted up, the others telling him to shut his eyes. They messed with him. He wasn't fully sure how, but he was sure they did.

Pulled up, he found himself being undressed. His person exposed to the elements before something soft and slightly chilly was put onto him.

"Don't worry, Izaiza. Shizu will warm you~"

With a stop sign, he thought as he was pulled along. Someone held the trailing whatever was around him as he was hurried down the stairs. Erika stopped them down on the main floor.

"Wait! Wait! We have a good sixteen hours before the drugs wear off. I want to make the most of them." She pulled out a camera as Izaya saw his twin sisters rush up to him. Dressed in a white tux and a dress, the duo smiled brightly at him. This dream was going further and further into a nightmare. Photos were taken, for whatever reason. Izaya smiled as he was told. He followed the group to the car.

Shiki of all people greeted him at, what appeared to be a church. That wasn't quite right. There weren't many churchgoers in Japan, let alone any reason for him to be there.

"Orihara-san, come along." Shiki took his arm before he could ponder much more and he was led inside to some song.

Hold on…

He had heard this one before…

Damn, he couldn't think straight!

"Smile, will you. You're scaring people with how quiet you're being." Shiki walked him down the middle of the room and Izaya smiled even as he saw Shizuo. Something happened. A stirring, a changing of some sort, occurred, making Izaya want to go sprinting up to the monster.

Ha! Like any human would do that! The idea was rather amusing though.

He moved forward and was stopped in front of one very dressed up Shizuo Heiwajima. Someone was talking, but all Izaya could possibly focus on was holy crap, the brute could actually put on something that wasn't a bartender uniform.

"Izaya~ say I do."

"I do."

Shizuo stared back at him with the strangest look on his face. He seemed sort of out of it. Like he was thinking about something. He could just barely think of the possibility.

~.~

Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill… Kill…. Kill…. Kill.

Kasuka leaned in close to him as he looked at the very womanly looking informant and whispered to him as whatever was going on, continued on, "Brother. I am proud of you. Say I do."

Immediately, Shizuo repeated the words aloud and a squeal of absolute joy sprang out into the room. Everyone turned to find that Karisawa had fainted in the aisle. Walker smiled, "It's okay! She just suffered from multiple fangasms occurring simultaneously. Someone get her some doujinshis when she wakes up and she'll be fine."

Shizuo frowned before he felt something push him. He tumbled forward just as he saw Shinra shove Izaya forward. He watched from almost autopilot as he found himself kissing the informant. Every second felt like someone else had taken over. He wrapped his arms around the flea and deepened the embrace. Izaya eventually was pulled away from him, gasping for air before beaming at him. People cheered.

This was one messed up dream.

He lifted the informant into his arms and carried the man out, being led into a large area where music throbbed and he and Izaya sat for a while, dancing some, eating ootoro and cake.

It turned nighttime and he was pushed with Izaya to some building on the border of Shinjuku and Ikebukuro, they were shown up the stairs, Kasuka and Shiki gave them a key and bid them everlasting happiness. He took the brunet inside, the door locked behind them, and…

~.~

_**A/N: Yay for being completely evil and not continuing that wonderful scene! Reviews, as always, are a welcomed part of this story. **_


	3. Anxiety

Silence.

Everywhere in Tokyo was filled with the sound of silence. The churchgoers rushed quietly to pray, monks and other such religions went to pay homage to their god. Few people were outside. Cars went slower than usual, understanding that this was reckoning day.

At a nearby airport, a red-haired man shoved his work associate into a plane, obsessed with getting him out of the firing line.

Not too far away, a group of men were doing similar to save a young actor from the wrath of two very irate men. A pair of twins sneaked onboard to stay with their beloved.

In Russian Sushi,

friends gathered and ate wordlessly.

A motorcycle on the edge of town revealed the headless rider and a white coated man escaping from the area.

A politician sat behind his desk and wrung his hands, looking uneasily at the clock.

The clock hit six.

Every second was turning into that moment. That specific time where they wouldknow whether the fruits of their labor were in vain or not. Guard was put up in front of the duo's home, preventing any media from slipping into the building and trying to bother the newlyweds.

Still…

That wouldn't stop one of them or both of them from running out of the building. True, they had had to have some people completely take down and move both mens' belongings into the new place, but still…

Something was off. They just couldn't tell what it was.

Kanra sat upon the desk and smiled at her associate, a shaggy haired brunet, "Well L. I think this is working out quite nicely. You made sure to have my cameras installed right?"

The brunet nodded, keeping his feet against his chest. "Of course, Kanra. I even made sure that the aphrodisiac gas bomb was set to go off about five minutes after they got into the apartment.

"We didn't agree to that!" The politician glared at them in mounting horror.

"We didn't?" Kanra smiled, "whoops~ then again. It was going to happen with or without the drugs. Think of it as speeding the process of mutual affection. Neither of them would otherwise have come off their high horse. We would spend millions and millions of yen repairing damage and still those two would be fighting. My associate and I just… sped up the process."

The man shifted uncomfortably in his seat, not liking how this was going.

~.~

_**^-^-b Awesomeness approved!**_


	4. Dearly Beloved, We Have Woken Here Today

Shizuo yawned as he felt himself awaken, stretching his arms up before securing them back into place around the pillows around him. It was a little chilly this morning. The sun crept through the windows, falling just short of the bed. The comforter moved upwards as a low murmur came from his pillow. Something snaked around his waist and pulled him closer.

There was no doubt about it, the blond was pretty comfortable, but for whatever reason, he felt like something was wrong here.

Right, his feet should have been going off the edge of his bed. He looked down to find his bed had expanded. It had expanded quite a bit. That was strange.

He snorted and snuggled back under the covers as he reached a conclusion.

Kasuka.

That brat was still buying him things. He was going to have to do something for his brother one day. He just wasn't sure what he could do.

"Nnghh…" Another sound came from his bed and Shizuo frowned again. Kasuka hadn't fallen asleep next to him, had he? It had been a long time since he had seen the actor do that…

Shizuo sat up and looked down at the figure cuddling him like a pillow. He stared down at the figure in mounting shock.

"…Izaya?"

The informant shifted in his sleep again, that trademark smirk on his face, "no~ that's far too much ootoro…. I'm watching my figure…"

Shizuo felt his anger mount as the man got closer to his personal area. "I-za-ya…" The sound came out as a low growl as he spoke.

He felt the informant tense up before slowly opening his eyes. He moved his gaze upward, coming up to meet Shizuo's gaze. "Hah…" the man looked in the middle of shock and humor. "Well… this is… _really _not my style…"

"What the hell are you doing in my apartment flea?"

"Hmm?" Izaya looked around before laughing, "oh, but this is funny. I will have to kill Dota-chin's little friends. Clearly this is not my doing-"

"Everything is your fault."

"Oh everything?" Izaya sat up promptly and stared at him seriously, "clearly I just love to wake up buck nude in my worst enemy's apartment. Yes, it's a serious kinky medical condition. I will have to consult Shinra immediately." The louse stood up, not bothering to cover himself.

"Put a towel on or something louse."

"Why? Can't stand the gorgeous God in your presence? Understandable, you are a monster after all."

Shizuo glared at him and grabbed the pack of cigarettes sitting on the nightstand, lighting one up, much to the horror of the informant.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Putting up with you first thing in the morning pisses me off."

Izaya smirked, "I hope one of the ashes sets the bed on fire and kills you, but then again, that would get rid of our fun time together. I suppose I could kill you as you burn…"

"Just shut the fuck up and get out of my apartment."

"Such a kind host you are!" Izaya smirked at him darkly, "I'm surprised you could afford the bed you're sleeping on."

"Get the hell out, Flea!" Shizuo threw a pillow at him and watched bemused as it missed.

"Too bad Shizu-chan!" Izaya laughed a minute before going to walk away and wincing as he went. "…"

"You look like you got fucked."

Izaya and Shizuo's blood went cold as that comment sunk in. Crimson eyes went ablaze as the informant turned around. "…what the hell did you do to me?"

"You're the informant," Shizuo let out a puff of smoke and savored the informant's discomfort. "Figure it out yourself."

Izaya glared at him a minute before laughing, "Ooh~ lookie lookie! Shizu-chan wanted to play house!"

"What the hell are you even talking about Flea?"

"What's with the wedding band, Shizu-chan? You and Kasuka get hitched? Or was it Tom-san?"

Shizuo looked down and blinked, staring at his hand. "…"

"Hahaha! Oh, it's so perfect! You got hitched up and then cheated on them… with ME! Oh! So brilliant. How unpredictable! I love my humans! They give me such joy." The informant laughed, his hands on his hips.

Shizuo stared at him a minute, ire developing before fleeing in lieu of another emotion. "…Izaya… tell me you bought that ring yourself with your other girly shit."

"That- dear Shizu-chan- is highly offensive, none of my attire is girly, nor shit. I will assure you that all of my clothing and accessories are top of the line and fashionable for this day and age, something that can't be said about your-" Izaya paused looking down at his hand. He lifted it up and stared at his hand blankly.

"Izaya…"

"…HahahahahAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHA! Oh~ too funny! Nice try, Shizu-chan!" Izaya looked up at him and laughed harder, "I'm afraid I cannot return your love, Shizu-chan! My love is for all of my humans, not to any one in particular and especially not for a monster such as you~."

Shizuo glared at him, snapping his cigarette in half, "you think I would feel anything but hate towards you? I would kill you-"

"And yet you didn't this morning. You sit there calmly speaking to me as though you think you are an equal to me, how very hostile of you~!" The informant turned and grabbed his clothes from a nearby chair where they were folded. "It's been fun, Shizu-chan, but I gotta bounce. Many clients to meet, many vending machines to dodge. You know the drill."

"I'm going to murder you."

"You keep telling yourself that." Izaya pulled on his clothing and went to pull off the ring around his finger, frowning as it remained in place. "…Brute! Did you embed it into my finger?"

"Stop being a flea and get lost."

Izaya walked over and glared at him, "get this damn thing off my hand."

"Pull your handiwork off yourself."

"This is all you, Shizu-chan. Dragging my sleeping self to your apartment and 'puttin' a ring on it' doesn't do anything."

"I would rather marry a vending machine."

Izaya glared at him until Shizuo finally got annoyed and tried to pull the ring off. "OW OW! OW! SHIZU-CHAN! NOT SO HARD!"

"SHUT UP! I'm trying to get it out! I think it's in deep."

"Stupid brute! You did this! You got it in there!"

"This was YOUR FAULT!"

A pounding caught the duo's attention as Shizuo and Izaya froze.

"Expecting company, Shizu-chan?"

"Fuck off."

"Oh Shizu-chan~ you aren't my type." Izaya shrugged and put his hands in his pocket. "I think you almost broke my hand."

"You deserve it." Shizuo grabbed some pants nearby and headed out of his room, going down the hall and frowning. Izaya followed, slowing as he walked down the hall.

"…why does this area look like my apartment?" Izaya paused at a bookshelf and looked back at the room they had come from, "this is my copy of Skinner's theories and findings in Psychology. There's even my notes written on the side… but that's your room…"

Shizuo frowned at him and walked into the living area with the louse, both confused by their surroundings.

"That's my coffee table."

"What the heck is my desk doing here?"

The pounding at the front door continued and Shizuo went to answer it as Izaya looked out the floor to ceiling window, frowning. "We look like we're just on the inside of Shinjuku…That can't be right."

"Hello?"

"SHIZUO! How does it feel to be one of the first men to marry another man in Japan?"

"Are you and Izaya both enjoying the married life?"

"Are you and Izaya thinking of adoption?"

Shizuo slammed the door shut and turned, ashen, towards the informant, staring at him in horror.

"What the hell happened? Isn't today October 2nd?"

"Flea… what the hell happened yesterday?"

They both paused and took a moment to think.

"Shinraaaaaaa~" The name spilled from both mens' lips in a growl that would send shivers down the bravest soul's spine.

"I'll kill him."

"I'm killing Kasuka too." Izaya growled, "he was in on it too."

"And your twin sisters."

"And Shiki."

"And Tom."

They glared at one another and listened to the pounding on the door behind them. Izaya smiled at him darkly, "I will kill you for this, Shizu-chan. You've cost me my bachelorhood and my virginity. Soiled my pure soul with your monstrous being."

"Please, louse, you have to be the biggest slut I've ever known." Shizuo glared at him a moment more before punching a hole in the wall and heading down the hall again, "I need milk. It's too early."

~.~

_**A/N: What fun! What fun! I think the list of people they have to kill is longer though…Reviews are my ootoro, please feed me, nyan~**_


	5. Bickering Couple

"Hey." Kadota poked his head in the car and frowned at the duo in the back. "…Izaya?"

The fur-coat wearing person looked up and pulled off the hood of their coat. "Hi Dotachin!"

"ERIKA! What the hell are you wearing?"

"My Fem! Izaya cosplay." She smiled and Kadota shook his head, bemused.

"And Walker? I'm assuming that's you."

"No! He's L from Death Note. He's a brilliant L! Priceless. Huh, you know… I wonder what kind of chaos would ensue if Izaya and Light met… then again, I would adore some L and Kanra action." She grinned wickedly at Walker who clapped.

"Complete crack pairing! I like it!"

"Naturally."

"SHUT UP!" Kadota glared at them, "WHY are you guys dressed up TWO DAYS after the convention?"

"Because! I'm watching my precious humans. They amuse me so~" Erika cooed, leaning into Walker's lap. "Oh, but the life of a troll is a hard one. Day in and day out, containing my love for all humans." She pulled off Walker's wig and smirked, "Ah, Shizu-chan! What are you doing in Dotachin's van?"

Walker shook his head, bemused.

"What's that? Yaoi time? Well, well Shizu-chan! But you must know I'm a virgin~!"

"Erika… I'm not shipping Shizaya."

"So insistent!" Erika wrapped her hand around something below Walker's belt and leaned in, smirking evilly. "I suppose I can set you in your place…"

"You're so OOC."

Kadota slammed the door shut and sighed, "idiots."

Togusa looked over at him, frowning, as he exited the grocer. "What are you doing outside the van? Don't you get the whole idea of hiding out?"

"The dynamic duo is doing things in your car again."

"…WHAT?" Togusa threw open the door and snarled, his body shaking in outrage. His gaze began to turn red as he looked down at the two. "What…are…you…two…doing… in…MY…VAN!"

Erika smiled at him and flicked the black tail she was wearing at him, "we're Shizayaing in the back here. I'm sorry, but Shizu-chan comes first~. You'll just have to settle for Dotachin!" She threw the door shut and Togusa tried the door again to find it locked.

"KARISAWA ERIKA! I WILL MURDER YOU!"

"Sorry Togusa!" Walker called. "ouch, damn, watch the neko claws, Eri- OW!"

"It's Izaya, Shizu-chan! Get it right!"

"Sorry. Sorry. OUCH!"

"Shizu-chan apologizes to NO ONE! ESPECIALLY NOT HIS FLEA! GET INTO CHARACTER!"

Kadota pat Togusa's back and shook his head, "just leave them. I'll make sure they clean the inside of the van."

"Annoying pests."

~.~

"What the hell?" Izaya threw more black clothing onto the bed and sighed, "they got everything out of order, look at this." He looked over his shoulder at Shizuo as he pulled out at least three fur-trimmed coats of different lengths. "White fur before tan and short length before long. I don't ask my humans to love me back, but they should at least set clothes in the order they found them in."

"Stop being a girl about it."

"Organization is not a woman's tool. It's a tool to success."

"Flea, stop talking."

"Ah Shizu-chan, don't like being trapped in an apartment with me." He grinned, "just so beat them all to smithereens with a stop sign."

"Flea…" Shizuo wasn't going to mention his run-in with the police. He couldn't get arrested again. He would never be able to look Kasuka in the face again.

"Is someone trying to look human still?"

"Izaya, I will burn those coats."

"So prissy today~" The brunet resumed his work in the closet and started to throw bartender outfits out as he went in deeper. "Why the heck are these here? They're mixed in with all my clothes!"

"Flea! Stop throwing my clothes!"

"Don't be such a girl, find your own walk-in closet to stick your shit in."

"This one is connected to my room."

"Shizu-chan, I will not repeat myself."

"Get your shit out of my closet."

Izaya poked his head out and smirked, "what a lady's man. Sorry, Shizu-chan. Finders keepers. You can just go use the toilet for your things."

Glass shattered to the floor as Shizuo broke the milk bottle he was holding to pieces. His gaze turned to absolute fury. "Flea, hang them back up."

"Ne, Shizu-chan. You can take your Shizzy-pants and throw them in a trash compacter."

"…Flea…"

"You know, you pet nickname for me is getting old." Izaya flashed a cocky grin before shutting the closet door.

…

Shizuo walked over and snapped the handle, locking the informant in. Ah, justice. He sat back down on the bed and lit a cigarette to celebrate.

The flame burned up the stick as he waited for the informant to realize what had happened. A quiet ticking continued to mark the seconds.

Nothing.

He'll figure it out eventually. Shizuo was going to savor the moment as well. That louse sitting in a closet, crying and begging him to open the door. Oh, poor flea…

NOT!

He snickered at the mere thought and opened the nightstand in search for a new lighter when his gaze caught sight of an ipod. _Must be the louse's,_ he pulled it out and flipped it on.

**Shizu-chan Playlist**

He scrolled down.

**Mr. Simple – Super Junior**

** Atomic – She **

** Jizz In My Pants – Lonely Island**

** Flea – Clazziquai Project**

** Spinning the World – Clazziquai Project**

** Hot Shot – Brown Eyed Girls**

** Strong Baby – BIG BANG**

** Mr. Saxobeat – Alexandra Stan**

** Fever – Adam Lambert **

** For Your Entertainment – Adam Lambert**

_I haven't heard of any of this shit,_ Shizuo pressed the play button and paused, listening to the first song for a split second.

_**"Because you're naughty naughty-"**_ He stopped it and dumped the thing back into the nightstand.

"I'm going to beat you up one time for each song on that damn ipod."

"Oh Shizu-chan~" Izaya's voice drawled from the closet. "You know you're Mr. Simple!"

Gonna kill him… after he begs and cries for me to let him out of the closet. With that in mind, Shizuo sat down and lit a new light, purposely not cracking a window open so that the smell of cigarettes stayed in the room.

~.~

_**A/N: ... I never said this was going to be a sane story, why am I being pestered about it. I wanted something that would make me giggle during break time. -dodges vending machine-**_

_**Reviews~ Reviews~ Reviews~ -rolling in them- I wanna update faster! Can I get a YES?  
><strong>_


	6. Kanra did it!

Izaya finished putting the last of his coats into place and frowned as he tried the doorknob. Oh, how quaint. Shizu-chan had locked the door. This was going to completely mess up his whole day. He wouldn't be able to get anywhere trapped behind this wooden door. He would be forced to his knees and beg his freedom from the blond brute.

…

Not.

Izaya sighed, pulling his spare cell from his back pocket. Unhooking the back, he pulled a lock pick from the metal plate and pulled his switchblade from his pocket. He got to his knees before biting his lip, jiggling the lock a moment before the door opened. One smoking Shizuo was revealed, shocked by his freeing himself.

"Really now, Shizu-chan. A lock? Because that would clearly stop me from anything."

Shizuo gripped the leg of the bed and flung it at him, missing by a mile as Izaya leaped out of the way and did a roll into the hallway. He flicked his hand back and sent a set of knives towards the blond before taking off to the living room.

"GET BACK HERE AND LET ME KILL YOU, YOU PATHETIC LOUSE!"

"Oh Shizu-chan! Have you never heard of a runaway bride? Then again, maybe you're used to the term! After all, who would ever commit to you?"

They went spiraling into the living room as Shizuo tackled the informant to the floor. A flurry of punches went towards the floor, being dodged as Izaya moved quickly, often ending up rubbing against the ex-bartender. Something flashed as they fought, several somethings did.

"Bastard!"

"Oh so violent! You know that domestic violence is illegal?"

"SHUT UP!"

"That's not what you said last night~"

"GOD DAMMIT I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

"Murder is illegal too, Shizu-chan."

Shizuo roared as both his hands went towards the informant, only ending up on either side of his head, he forced the man down as he managed to wrap his hands around that pale neck. Finally! He was going to end this now.

Izaya looked off to the side and smirked knowingly. Slightly confused by the informant not begging for his pathetic life, Shizuo glanced over and was embarrassed beyond words.

A group of reporters flashed their cameras, speaking animatedly as they filmed him and Izaya on the ground.

"Love is a violent things in Japan for married couple-"

"Not at all shocking, the duo of Tokyo who were recently bound in matrimony are into some violent romance."

"Karisawa television! Reporting the latest juicy gossip on our favorite pairing Shizaya! Yep, yep. They're making out like violent bunnies! We've got round the clock updates as well as a new homepage featuring the wife singing some ritzy stuff! GO SHIZAYA! BOY'S LOVE FOREVER!"

Shizuo felt sick, pulling back from the informant, he grabbed the couch and sent it hurtling towards the paparazzi. Izaya darted to his computer and opened a drawer before a barrage of knives went hurtling at the areas the couch wouldn't hit. The reporters and crews went sprinting for the door, screaming in terror.

"Bastards…"

Izaya nodded, "those humans are getting meddlesome."

Shizuo turned from the informant and headed to the kitchen. "I need milk."

"Grab me some pocky!"

"Get it yourself."

"What kind of husband are-" Shizuo cut him a glare and Izaya laughed, "think about this carefully Shizu-chan. All of Japan knows about this, possibly further news stations as well. Do you honestly expect this to end?"

Shizuo balled up his fists and narrowed his gaze, "So?"

"Nothing. I just wanted to give you some food for thought before you calm down." Izaya booted up the laptop on his desk and began to type away upon the keys. Deciding he wasn't going to stay in a flea-smelling room with the insect a moment longer, Shizuo went to get his milk.

Why the hell did Izaya tell him that? The world knew, fucking great. He would just have to divorce and kill the louse. No problem.

Wait…

"Aw shit, he already knows! It's partly his fault I'm in this shit!" Shizuo ran his hands through his hair in aggravation as he thought more on what the informant had said.

TV.

That was what he needed. He just needed a distraction for a while then he would be okay.

Turning on the television, he froze.

_"Izaya-san! Shizuo-san!" Erika bounced from behind the camera as Izaya and him looked over at her and the camera. "Congrats! Is it true you've always had feelings for one another?"_

_ Izaya smirked at her mischievously, "you know all information has a price. I don't reveal information about Shizu-chan either. Against work policy~"_

_ "Shizu~" Erika begged and Shizuo started laughing, "if Izaya's not answering questions about me, I'm not answering any about him."_

Ugh, Shizuo couldn't stop watching himself and Izaya acting so out of character. It was like a train wreck.

_"Iza~ I just want to know how long you've loved Shizu!"_

_ Izaya scooted his butt onto Shizuo's lap and wrapped his arms around him, "no one can know anything about my Shizu-chan. Humans may interact with one another, but no one goes near my Shizu-chan."_

What? Shizuo frowned and watched the kitchen television closely, drinking his milk as the occurrence of the day before continued.

_"Oh I see…" Erika's voice sounded excited again. "So IzaIza. Are you going to be a good little uke for Shizu?"_

_ Izaya grinned, "you assume so much~"_

_ "What the hell's that supposed to mean flea?"_

_ "Nothing Shizu-chan~" Izaya cooed up at him, capturing his face in another kiss. "Oh! Perfume! I love this song!" Izaya pulled him up and Shizuo followed him animatedly._

_ "They better play Dream Fighter after this."_

_ Izaya burst into laughter and sashayed to the song, "In-ryoku is the best! It shall repeat the whole party!"_

_ Erika squealed in delight, "you both are so cute together."_

_ Izaya smiled at her and the camera, "yes we are, but if you touch my Shizu-chan I will kill you. Same for everyone else as well."_

_ Vorona in the background went sprinting into the arms of Tom, not at all amused by the informant's threat. _

Shizuo frowned, wait… Is she and Tom… He set his milk down and watched around himself and Izaya's drugged happiness as she and Tom started something in the background. Erika turned the camera though and Shizuo was forced to watch himself and Izaya get closer.

_"I-za-ya~"_

_ "Shi-zu-chan~" Izaya growled back at him, a blush dusting across his face again. Shizuo dipped down and kissed him again, earning a loud roar of approval from the crowd. _

Erika's screaming forced Shizuo to turn down the volume.

"GOD DAMMIT ERIKA!" Izaya came running into the room and paused, seeing Shizuo watching the television. "…why are you watching that?"

"It was on tv."

"That's a recording."

Shizuo frowned as the informant sighed, sitting down next to him. The kissing scene continued until the duo was falling onto the dance floor.

_"Oh~ Shizu-chan! We aren't even home yet!" Izaya smiled up at him and Shizuo rolled his eyes._

_ "Like that's ever stopped you from teasing about it."_

_ "Guilty~" He grinned and wrapped his arms around the blond, kissing him hard._

"It's like reading one of Erika's emails to me." The man himself commented as they watched in sick fascination.

"Emails?"

"Don't worry about it." Izaya leaned closer to the screen and grinned a bit, "This is like crack."

"Okay…"

Izaya looked over at him and raised a brow, "you must not be a netizen. Crack can refer to the drug or to something that would be normal only to a drug user. This for example," he pointed to them half dancing, half making out on the screen, "us becoming married in any kind of fluffy affair would be considered crack. We would be what fans would call a crack pairing." He turned his attention to the screen and frowned, "are your coworkers making out back there?"

Shizuo rubbed his head in frustration, "yeah."

"That's not right."

"No it isn't."

"This is my wedding. Damn wedding crashers. Ah, good. Erika is focusing the camera on us. Better."

"Your upset because they're kissing during your wedding?"

"Yeah," Izaya looked back at him and gazed at him seriously, "if I'm going to be damned to an individual person. I want it to be the focus of everyone's sorrow. Not them losing attention because Vorona-san is flashing her breasts at half the crowd. I hope those bites Tom makes hurt when she moves."

Shizuo yawned tiredly. "Flea."

"Protozoan." Izaya popped out the tape before grinning, "anyway, I need you to sign some papers so I can file them and get out of here."

Shizuo glanced at the papers the man had carried in and frowned, "divorce papers?"

"Yes, Shizu-chan. Divorce papers. These are what two people in love sign when they are put into matrimony when they have no desire to be together."

Shizuo signed the papers and handed them over, "let's end this."

"Agreed."

~.~

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN!"

The man sighed, "you both signed a permanent agreement. The way your marriage papers were signed were bulletproof. You both are stuck together worse than atoms."

"Then we better get an atom smasher in here," Izaya sat down across the desk and held out his hand, "the marriage papers?"

Shizuo sat down as well and turned his gaze to the fish tank, frowning at the fish.

"They're in a safe place."

Izaya frowned, "a safe place?"

"We were told here that you both would be seeking to destroy the documentation by any means necessary to which I will respond as I have just responded, the papers are in a safe place, if you violate this office in any way, I will sue you for breaking and entering."

Izaya nodded, "fine. Come on Shizu-chan."

Shizuo glared at the fish staring at him before getting up and following the informant out. "so no luck."

"Shizu-chan, weren't you listening? I had all the luck in the world!"

"So we're divorced."

"No~ but they are hiding the papers in that office. Therefore, we're just going to have you sneak on in there and-" Izaya broke off in mid-thought.

"Fuck no! I'm not breaking the law."

"We need to figure out who instigated this."

"And how are we going to do that?" Shizuo was getting tired of being around this flea.

"You are going to go to work, I however, am going to be visiting people."

"I'm stuck with you, Tom has run off on vacation for the month."

Izaya threw him a sardonic smirk, "does someone just want to look at his husband's ass?"

"Shut the fuck up! I want to finish this!"

Izaya nodded, "fine,, but we're going to be dealing with 'bad people'."

Shizuo began walking ahead of the informant and sighed, "hurry up! You smell like shit."

"Tease… COMING SHIZU-CHAN!" Izaya sprinted forward to catch up with the bemused man.

~.~

"The wedding was beautiful!" An old man claimed, waving his arms slowly as if finding himself in a drugged epiphany.

~.~

"That was a woman that blond monster married," the old hag claimed.

Shizuo snickered as Izaya tensed, "no, that was a fit man, it's not his fault his husband was fat."

Shizuo glared for a split second before the woman shook her head, "skinny as hell, those hips screamed female. He probably was supposed to be a girl."

"No- Ah- SHIZU-CHAN! I HAVE TO RESTORE MY NAME! LET ME GO!" Izaya dragged his feet as he was dragged from the fountain area as Shizuo tried his best not to laugh his head off.

~.~

"Those two? Look how peaceful the city is already! The two boys should have been married up a long time ago."

~.~

"I want video of them together."

Both Shizuo and Izaya stared at the man a moment before turning and walking away.

"Did you suspect…"

Izaya shook his head, "I thought he was straight."

"…"

~.~

"Those two?" The boys stopped their exercise and grinned, "isn't it hilarious? Half the town wanted to send a vending machine and stop signs to them as wedding presents."

"Ten bucks says Heiwajima smashes Orihara's face in with the bed."

"No way, Orihara's going to slit Heiwajima's throat in."

Izaya nodded and went to speak when Shizuo began to drag him away.

~.~

"You are looking to find some information on how their wedding came to be?"

"Yes." Izaya slumped against the blond after almost an entire day of roaming the city and asking people.

"It's quite simple actually," the man replied. "We had someone recommend it to us as our only option. The city officials weren't sure, but went with it after a lot of the information on what was necessary came from email and group chats."

Izaya perked up as well as Shizuo, "a name."

"Who was it?"

"Kanra. We never got a last name."

Izaya went pale and shrunk as the man walked away. It only took a minute for the blond to catch on.

"You did this…"

"Shizu-chan, why would I decide to marry us up?"

Shizuo glared at him, "to fuck with me."

"I'm not interested in sex. The only reason I've ever had it was last night, which, might I say was a bad experience, my ass hurts."

Shizuo grabbed him by his hood and began to drag him off, "I hope it never stops hurting."

"Well, fuck you."

"You apparently wanted to."

"It wasn't me who did this!"

"Why have I been forced to go along with you to the attorney's office?"

"In case any additional papers needed to be signed!"

"Really?" Shizuo glanced over his shoulder at the man and laughed "You're such a fucking liar!"

"You're an idiot! A brute! Let me go!"

Shizuo forced him into the elevator and the doors shut, leaving Izaya trapped in the three by six elevator. He glanced over at the brute and shook his head, "I didn't plan this."

"Someone with your internet account did."

"It's not overly difficult to hack an account."

Shizuo shook his head, "you're an idiot."

Izaya reached into his back pocket and sighed at the loss of his knives. He couldn't figure out what had happened to them. Shizuo grabbed him again and shoved him into their door. "Ouch! Damn, Shizu-chan!"

"Shut up." Shizuo pulled out the key to their place and opened the door before practically slamming the informant into the couch. Izaya winced as his butt hurt worse. "You wanted to fuck so badly, fine." Shizuo started unbuttoning his shirt with a dark smirk in place, "I'll fuck you, just don't expect me to be nice about it. We're doing this every night. I always top. Oh, and don't think you can run away and get off the hook by not being here." Shizuo dropped his pants and came down on the informant, "I'll just be worse to you if you do."

This feeling Izaya was experiencing…

He didn't like it one bit.

~.~

_**A/N: -sighs- It's just so much fun to write borderline crack. Besides, Controlling Shizuo must be a thing of mine…**_

_**I should try some Izuo soon…**_

_**Anyway, reviews are awesome. **_

_**Seriously, the button/link is right below this. Write something.**_


	7. Not Even Work Can Save You, Izaya

"Fuck…

Izaya winced repeatedly as began to sit down. The fabric he was wearing chafed against his poor abused body. Not only was Shizuo a monster, not only was he rough and brutal, not ONLY was he A MONSTER WHO NEEDED TO BE KILLED; he had ripped his jacket.

True, he had many other jackets and he had enough money to replace it, but it was the principle of the matter!

_"Where do you think you're going?"_

_Izaya picked up his jacket and threw a glare over his shoulder at the man, "where do you think? I'm going to work." Far far away from the monster._

_"Let's go then…" The man sat up and grabbed his shirt from the floor next to the bed. _

_"Shizu-chan~ Such a needy lover~! Making sure I don't stray, ne?"_

_Shizuo gave him a look before getting up and standing before him. _

_IT swung half aroused before Izaya, just right there, in his sights. Shizuo did nothing to cover the thing. He just…_

Izaya shuddered at the reminder and finally called out, "Namie-chan~!"

Namie walked in, looking none too delighted, "What now?"

"Make me lunch~"

"Ask your husband to make you something."

"Namie~"

"No."

"NAMIE," he whined, louder this time.

"NO!"

"Namieeeeeeeee-chaannnnnn~"

"I said no-" The woman froze as something went passed her face, embedding itself in Izaya's office wall. The informant was much more active than his secretary, he dived for the nearby sofa and peaked out from its security. Poor Namie turned to find Shizuo glaring at her. "Ah, speak of the devil." Namie straightened her shirt a bit and dumped the files she was carrying into Shizuo's unexpected hands, only to have them dumped on the floor. Not that she cared though, "your wife's hungry and annoying. You can attempt to get it through his thick skull that his best client is in hiding for the week. I'm going home."

"Namie~~" Izaya cried out again only to find the woman slamming the door down behind her.

Was it just him, or did the room get twenty degrees colder when she left. Who would have guessed Shizuo would turn Namie into a little ray of sunshine…

Maybe he was pushing it a bit…

Nah.

"I-za-ya-kun~" The blond smirked at him darkly and Izaya smiled back, holding his emergency knives at the ready.

"Shi-zu-chan~ I'm much too busy right now for you. Perhaps la-" Another metal object landed in his walls as Shizuo threw another end table.

"Drop 'em."

Izaya stared at him, "I'm not holding anything, Shizu-chan." He made a face of displeasure, "neither are you, as a matter of fact, you dropped my documents-"

"I said drop them."

Izaya dropped his knives, minus the one he slipped up his sleeve, and raised his arms in openness, "I'm not holding anything."

"Not your knives, drop _them._"

"Shizu-chan, in what universe do I speak monster? You remind me of Simon. Such degrading of the fine Japanese language; I wonder if you fully realize how well others understand-"

Shizuo kept that look and moved forward, "well, _Kanra_. I said drop _these_." A tug rendered his steadfast belt useless as Izaya felt his pants drop to the ground.

Damn…

"Shizu-chan. Removing another man's pants. Some would call this disgusting."

"Not you."

"You assume so much about me, Shizu-chan!"

Shizuo sat down on the couch and tugged him forward, lifting his shirt right off, leaving the informant in merely his boxers. This was going too far.

"Shizu-chan! Naughty! What will happen when my clients come!"

"They'll see what a slut you are."

"Language! I have a children-friendly office!"

"Bullshit."

Red eyes narrowed on him as Izaya leaned in and smirked at him, just trying to tick him off. "You know Shizu-chan. Most people would assume I'm the dominant one in our tumble in the sheets. You come to my office, throw things at my secretary… Jealous, my dear Shizu-chan."

The fist against his back tightened and the pressure was built. Shizuo's physical abuse versus Izaya's mental abuse; winner would win this fight. Izaya's eyes held a slight twitch as the blond tried to keep from crying out against the man's words.

"Undressing me with your eyes as you walk in, just like a perfect little wife; how cliché of you. You just couldn't help it, I suppose. Your future is destroyed. No wife and children for you, only a life full of misery. You know this too. There won't be children. Not with your monstrous strength. You would crush them. And then as for the adoring wife in your mental picture, consider her assassinated. As for your marriage with me, it's nothing. We both know full-well that I love my humans too much to give my love to a singular monster."

Droplets rolled down Izaya's neck as he felt pain begin to hover around his consciousness. He remained vigilant.

"You try so hard, trying to appeal to others and hold these relationships of yours so close and dear, but they only stay with you because you are useful to them. Who else would share Celty's isolation feelings? Who else could Tanaka-san know that could guarantee him safety through any situation?" He grinned, despite his slow decent into unconsciousness. "Poor, poor Shizu-chan~"

The blond glared at him a moment before slamming him down against the couch. "Take it back!"

"Hmm?" Izaya looked up at him in confusion.

"Take. It. Back." Shizuo leaned in close and Izaya turned his head away, "you're breath smells like shit."

"Get used to it."

"Ne~ I think I won't. Our living arrangements are only temporary. I will be moving my belongings into my office and then to another apartment-"

"Like hell you will."

"Poor Shizu-chan~ Afraid of being alone?"

"Not anymore."

"Hmm?" The brunet stared at him for a moment before the blond kissed him. Limbs wrapped around his body just as Shizuo held his neck, keeping him in place. He held the informant in place and smothered him, forcing him to remain.

~.~

"Shiki, wait!" His red-haired associate hurried after him as Shiki turned.

"For the final time, it means nothing that the two were paired together. Izaya will act accordingly or he won't get paid. Not even Izaya would take our actions so childishly."

"Have you. Lost. Your. Mind." The man shook his head, "this is _Izaya._ He's a kid, no matter what he might say."

"Akabayashi-" Shiki opened the door to the informant's office and froze, staring at the room opened to them. Both men stared a moment before Shiki spoke up. "…Heiwajima-san."

The ex-bartender looked over at the duo and narrowed his gaze, "get out."

"Such manners." Akabayashi chuckled, "I see you and Izaya-san are getting along."

"…get out."

Shiki calmly strolled forward, heading directly to the duo. "What brought this turn of events?"

"Fuck off."

Seating himself on the other leather couch, the man pat the open space next to him for his red-haired associate. "If you would check your… partner's schedule, you would see that I have an appointment."

"That doesn't mat-"

"It is highly unfortunate that you have exhausted him."

Shizuo went to respond when Izaya began to fall off the couch, the white cum on his face rubbing onto his sofa.

"He's dripping."

Shizuo gave the man a glare before covering the informant in his vest and looking at the duo, "say what you want and leave."

"We just need a file from Orihara." Akabayashi stated.

Shiki smirked a little, "tell us, Heiwajima. Do you have feelings for Orihara."

"I hate him."

The other two frowned, Shiki recovering quickly only to roll his eyes and sigh. "I see…" He looked at the table to find his file waiting for him, "and I see Orihara is hard at work as well." Lifting the file he nodded to the blond. "We'll be taking our leave then."

"Like I give a shit," Shizuo grabbed some cigarettes from under the end-table and lit one, leaning back as the informant slept soundly in his lap.

"Wha-Shiki!" Akabayashi hurried after his friend. His cane swinging from his side as he ran to catch up, he lunged forward and stopped the elevator door from closing, getting in. "Why did you leave so quickly? He clearly was in a vulnerable position."

Shiki shut his eyes and waited for the elevator to finish descending. "Blackmail is beneath me, the entire city knows Izaya and Shizuo are together."

"They don't know that Orihara and Heiwa-"

"Patience is an important ideal I suggest you accustom yourself to. Life is a chess game, as Izaya so often tells me."

"I don't think fucking is involved in chess…"

~,~

_A/N: I'm considering putting that smut scene in as a flashback before Izaya wakes up… Haven't decided yet. So, so tempting… Reviews are my inspiration. _


	8. What If I

Would it really be so bad?

He could consider it a sanctuary, a little getaway from reality. He could be as godly as he pleased with every single human, disgusted by their actions, their hatred or ignorance they may hold for him, but then…

He could just go home and let Shizuo…

It seems so ludicrous to think about, to consider letting the monster have what he pleased.

Kanra…

He would have to find this woman and find out just what he had done to ruin her life.

_"I-za-ya-kun~" _

…He couldn't say that he was ready for such a thing, allowing himself to hold the monster in any other regard other than a monster.

Then again…

He did already somewhat do such a thing. How fascinating it would be! The brute would never believe that his feelings, his sudden displays of affection should he show them, were real.

Oh, but for him to see all of the emotion focused in on an opposite emotion than hatred.

What fun! WHAT FUN!

It would be fascinating; after all, emotions were for his humans. He could only love his humans equally and allowing monsters to be included…

How utterly fascinating!

Slowly, Izaya opened his eyes, smelling something in the air. His body felt lethargic. He was so drowsy. Still, his plan was completely genius.

What better way to get rid of the brute when his attempts at showing his displeasure with the relationship weren't working?

It was brilliant.

He sat up, his body swaying as his mind swam, "S-shizu-chan?"

"Huh?" A voice drifted out from the kitchen. Barking almost, "you say somethin' flea?"

Izaya pulled himself to his feet, sticking his arms through the vest that had been covering him. The fabric hung limply on him as he walked to the kitchen and dropped into a chair, "yeah, I said hi."

"Oh…" Shizuo glared over at him, "your bosses came by."

"Shizu-chan, I don't have bosses. I only have clients."

"Well your clients came by then."

"How exactly did I get back to the house?"

"They just took a file."

"Oh did they?" Not like he had anything useful in his files, just soap opera scripts.

"Yeah, some scarred guy and a red head that tailed him like a pup."

Ah, told ya Namie-chan~! Shiki was still sticking around! "Ah, so they wanted their information. I will have to call them later."

"You'll be busy later."

Izaya grinned, "Is Shizzy-chan going to be taking me later?"

The blond glared at him more, "Shut up. It's Shizuo."

"Shizu-chan~"  
>"Flea, I told you-"<p>

Izaya launched himself from his seat and wrapped his arms around the blond, feeling Shizuo hold him by the neck and tense for a fight. Rather than that, Izaya nipped at the hem of his shirt and looked up at him, "problem, Shizzy?"

"W-what the hell are you doing?"

"I've never been a patient flea."

Shizuo stared at him as if he'd lost his mind. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

The brunet just tugged at the blond's pants silently.

If jaws could drop, Izaya was sure he would have heard the ex-bartender's fall to the ground and clatter away. "WHAT THE HELL IZAYA?"

Ah, and the tables turn for the more amusing…

Izaya clicked the belt apart and began to tug harder, bringing the dignity of the man to his ankles. Paying no mind to the bright, burning red face of the man, Izaya opened his mouth and with a nice dramatic licking of his lips, promptly took the blond in…

Into his mouth.

"WHAT- HELL…. IZZZAYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" The man leaped back from him, dishes clattering to the floor as his eyes took on the size of saucers. He shook uncontrollably, "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

"Ne, but didn't Shizu-chan say that he was going to do me every day?" Izaya licked his lips more, eyeing the man's crotch, "what better way to begin such a thing than me getting you all prepped up and ready to go."

The blond practically foamed at the mouth in outrage and confusion over his new change of heart.

"Now, now~ I promise not to leave my poor Shizu-husband too turned on. We can't have the neighbors talking too much…"


End file.
